There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
