ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
