my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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