You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
my phone needs a breathalizer
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
last night I used snow as a chaser
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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