Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
