I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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