Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
