my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
