Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
