Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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