is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
She bit a glass in half.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
