Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
