Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
