These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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