ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
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