She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
