So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
