I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
