After last night, I could never be a politician.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Randomize
