My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
