So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
