your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
