No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
