i wish my penis had a tongue
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
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