Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
