jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
