hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
