You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
