I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Randomize
