So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Your dad touched me again.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
