my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
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