I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
