omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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