3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
