mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
