after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
My ass is underappreciated
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
