guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
