Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
