Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
