three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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