If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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