I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Randomize
