It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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