just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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