i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
