i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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