you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
My liver just had a heart attack.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
