my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
