Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
