She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
